-Mukisa Mujulizi
Samantha: So, what was it like being married?
Theodore: Well, it’s hard, for sure. But there’s something that feels good about sharing your life with somebody.
The movie ‘her’ (2013) written and directed by Spike Jonze, is ostensibly about our main character Theodore’s relationship with his artificial intelligence, Samantha. But it is about so much more than that. When we meet Theodore, he is in a state of unrest. He is lonely, listens to melancholic music, barely keeping in touch with his friends, and seemingly out of touch with the world around him. The very first scene of the movie portrays Theodore demonstrating his ability to love and care for others through in his work as a letter writer, yet he does not love or care for himself. We are, therefore, immediately presented with the first conflict of the film: Theodore desires to care and be cared for, and yet he is alone.
The primary reading of this film is typically focused on Theodore and Samantha’s relationship. This is in fact where the movie spends much of its time. Theodore ‘meets’ Samantha early in the film, and the relationship blooms as we watch our characters evolve from colleagues to friends to lovers. It is here that we begin to see the film’s more muted tones replaced by scenes of warm sunlight emanating through Theodore’s apartment, thus providing the audience with a visual representation of Samantha’s effect on his life.
Their relationship hits a crescendo, matched by an impeccable piano piece improvised by Samantha while on their first date (which remains my favourite original score written for a film). But this is relatively short-lived, as Theodore and Samantha are fundamentally and functionally different organisms: One of course is a human being, and the other, an inanimate being, capable of transcending time and space, thus, revealing to the audience, and to Theodore, that she can communicate with, and love hundreds of people at the same time. This causes irreparable friction in their relationship that spells out its end. But what did this relationship teach Theodore and subsequently, the audience?
Feminist scholar bell hooks has argued in the past that men and women are, in fact, equally taught emotions. There is a common misconception that women are taught to be emotional, while men are taught to be stoic and ‘logical’. Yet this thinking completely removes the reality that stoicism, i.e. to exist or act without emotion, is by its very nature an acknowledgement that all emotions are in fact present in all children. Rather, it is the forms of emotions that are nurtured through rejection, celebration, or sometimes violence, that children learn, in very gendered terms, what to feel, how to feel, and when to feel it.
While this can be a very generalized reading of childhood experiences and a binary reading of emotional development, it is still a very real and recognized analysis of the ways in which patriarchal systems function. That is to say, while this might not have been your experience, it certainly was mine. I grew up in an all-boys boarding school, one in which emotionality, while not being explicitly rejected, was not explicitly nurtured either. Basically, I struggled - and continue to struggle - with an understanding of my emotions. For years, I couldn’t recognize that the melancholy I felt was not homesickness or overstimulation; rather, it was a sustained experience, over a few weeks, sometimes months. While others can recognize that quite quickly as an experience of depression, I could not. My understandings of grief, pain, disappointment, satisfaction etc. were all things I had to learn and keep learning, not just to identify, but also to be alright with their presence, learning to live with and overcome those emotions when necessary.
‘her’ changed my life, because ‘her’ was the first time I truly understood that what I was feeling was a profound loneliness. I was alone, in pain, and suffering in silence because I didn’t know how to express that to anybody. How do you describe something you’re not sure anyone else is feeling?
Well, the movie explores Theodore’s journey towards emotional maturity. He begins the movie ruing the end of his marriage, seeking quick fixes and simple pleasures. At this point, he is not interested in long-term emotional growth, because, like most, he is unable to identify the true nature of his discomfort. This is when he meets Samantha, who offers an immediate escape from grief, but this escape crumbles because he is not dealing with the underlying issues. Samantha, in a way, becomes another one of his vices, causing harmful tension in their relationship.
The film plays this line delicately, however, choosing not to delegitimize this relationship by viewing her as just another step in Theodore’s story. Samantha is ultimately the one who helps Theodore achieve emotional maturity, teaching him that loss is as much a part of life as grief is to love. The movie asks us to ponder our mortality because one way or another, we will lose those closest to us. Grief, therefore, is not a reason to reject love, nor is it an emotion to escape. Instead, we must understand grief, just as we must understand loneliness, joy, pain, amusement, anxiety, as emotions to endure, accept, and experience as a part of life.
The movie concludes with a shot of Theodore, reciting a final letter he will send to his now ex-wife, Catherine. He is accompanied by his friend Amy, who is also experiencing the loss of her marriage. Their bond, having formed over the course of the film, becomes solidified in this moment, signifying that there is life beyond loss, suffering, and melancholy. We can find aid in our families, communities, and in our friendships. The movie is actively pulling us towards each other, practically begging the audience to look toward forming bonds that will hold us afloat when life begins to pull us underwater.
‘her’ changed my life because ‘her’ taught me that part of the human condition, part of the contract we’ve signed from our first breath to our last, is to feel. ‘her’ taught me that the depression I was going through was not going to last and instead of shying away from the tears and the melancholy, I should instead feel them, wholeheartedly, because I was not alone. Cry when you need to, laugh when you need to, grieve when you need to. Because somebody will hear you and feel a little more understood. The people around you can help you carry those burdens. The answer lies in the connections we form with those around us.
‘her’ changed my life.
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